Post

I was told I'm not making enough posts nowadays. There are reasons why this is so.

It's titty-twisting 29 degrees outside. You just woke up. You're groggy and warm under your comforter, which has trapped all the heat like an igloo. There's no way in hell you want to get up.

But you have to, your brain is calling for a strong dose of caffeine. So you drag your ever-expanding lazyass to the kitchen to make a large cup. Now you're grumpy and your nipples are hard enough to stab stainless steel appliances.

"FAWK!" You exclaim. You've been trying to stab your blender that you didn't realize you have to go to school. You skip breakfast because you're half robot and don't need to eat. That being said, you have never had the satisfaction of taking a large, steamy dump either.

You pretend to pay attention. The professor is cross-eyed. You make up pirate stories about him. You stare out the window at the bleak and colorless landscape. You endure this pain for eight hours. You're ladened with homework.

You go home. You're too tired to whore it up like a boozed-up slut dancing topless on a beer pong table trying to impress the world on homecoming night. You do homework, but can't seem to take your eyes off Facebook.

"FAWK!" You explain. You find Mr. Zuckerberg and smack him up real good. He begs for your mercy and you are a merciful soul. He agrees to give you 79% of his annual salary in exchange for freedom and you agree.

Now you're tired. You didn't do any homework and your body aches in unimaginable places. You're too tired to type "blogger.com" in the search bar. You crawl under the covers and fall asleep.

ANNNNNNNNNNNNND... REPEAT. Since everyone should feel sympathy for my story, everyone should send me a portion of their annual salary whenever I post, okay?